Sentence:  I have worked hard to get you the best contract possible.  Or:  You'll be happy to learn that we're ready to offer you the best contract possible.

 

Problems:  Writer, not reader, oriented writing: the writer is concerned about himself, how hard he worked or how happy he is, rather than what the reader receives (benefits)

Revisions: Under the new contract you'll receive dental insurance.

Sentence: I need you to be in class on time.     

 

Problems: Selfish and divisive pronouns I and you creates a conflict between the writer and reader (us vs. you). No benefit or consequence given for the request.

Revisions:  We usually cover changes to the schedule and questions about the next assignment in the first five minutes of class.  Please review the attendance policy for this class to see how repeated absences and tardies effect students' grades.

Sentence:  You need to send us your overdue balance of $550 or we'll probably take you to court.        

 

Problems: Selfish and divisive pronouns us/we and you creates a personal conflict between the writer and reader.    

Revision: Please pay the overdue balance of $550 to avoid possible legal actions.  If you need help making this payment, please contact our credit department for assistance.                                                                               

Sentence: We will no longer allow you to charge up to $15,000 on your Visa Gold Card. Your new limit will be $5,000.

 

Problems: Divisive pronouns, punitive tone, and no reader benefit.

Revisions: The credit limit on your Visa Gold Card, from $15,000 to $5,000.  Please call 1-800 etc etc if you have any questions (and then bury them in your phone tree).  Or:  In order to help customers avoid potentially devastating credit loads, the credit limit on a number of our accounts has been changed  from $15,000 to $5,000.