Drake's Goldilocks Mea-Culpa-Method Just Right Meter
1) How To Apologize:
| Not Enough Responsibility | Blame | Just Right | A Lil Too Much | Groveling |
| Hey, I ate your porridge and broke your punk-ass chairs. So sue me, beeatch. | Humpty Dumpty did it. That lard ass. | Hey, I'm really sorry but I ate your porridge and accidentally broke Baby Bear's chair. Wow, Mrs. Bear, you make one mean bowl of porridge! Please let me know how I can make it up to you. | Hey, I'm really sorry but I ate your porridge and accidentally broke Baby Bear's chair. God, I'm really, really sorry. It won't happen again! Promise! My bad! Sorry! | Hey, I'm really, really sorry but I'm such a selfish pig and ate your porridge and accidentally broke Baby Bear's chair. Oh my gawd, I'm, like, such a freaking cow sometimes! You probably really hate me right now. Do you hate me? I don't know what my problem is. I think I need to go back to Porridge Eater's Anonymous.... Can you ever forgive me? |
| Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome |
| Logical Outcome | Ass-whoopin.
Followed by a second ass-whoopin by Humpty's homies. |
They'll get over it. | They pretend to forgive you and resent it. Don't walk thru the woods alone. | Logical Outcome |
2) How To Break Up:
| Not Enough Responsibility | Blame | Just Right | A Lil Too Much | Groveling |
| Hey, there's a pile of your stuff by the door, along with some of the CDs you bought me last year. I kept the two that I like, but you can have the other ones back because I don't really "get" country music. Oh, and can you leave me your room-mate's cell number, please? | Hey, I tried and tried, but let's face it, you need someone
who can accept you the way you are.
My friends say I'll get over this as soon as I find someone less selfish, and I think they may be right. Luv ya!
|
Hey, I think we gave it our best shot and I'm still grateful that I met you and we had that time together. I apologize for getting in deeper than I was ready to be, but you know my rodeo has to come first right now. You are a wonderful person, and we'll always have Brokeback Mountain. | Hey, I think we gave it our best shot and I'm still grateful that I met you and we had that time together. I'll probably never find someone as kind as beautiful. I still want to stay close and be friends. | God, I really screwed this up, didn't I? Do you think you
can ever forgive me? Wow, sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed in the
monastery because I don't think I'll ever make anyone happy. Really,
you are so great and I'm...well, I'm a loser for not being able to hold on
to you. God, I'm Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Damn, now I've cut myself.
Ok, I need to go stop the bleeding....
|
| Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome | Logical Outcome |
| Is your car insured? | Poor self esteem leads them to sleep with all your friends. Inexplicably, this makes you want them back. You take them back. An hour later you remember why you dumped them. |
I'm not sure because I'm not a cowboy. (geez, just kidding) OR: They blame themselves and leave you alone, which is, admit it, what you really wanted. |
They think you're serious about the "friends" part and bug
the crap out of you. Until you date someone else. At which point... |
If the audience is male, they return occasionally for sex
and to see what's in the fridge. OR: If the audience is female, they want to fix you and will never leave.
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