Conflict Resolution: De-escalation And Diplomacy

Suggestions for dealing with difficult and painful communication scenarios.  

Caveats:

Keep in mind that:

All of the following are much easier said than done.
 

While these approaches should help you communicate in difficult and even painful situation, it’s important to remember that those difficult or painful situations will not go away; these approaches will help you communicate about the problem, but they will not necessarily solve the problem itself.  On the other hand, quite often poor communication is itself the problem.
 

Many times these methods will not yield immediate results; that's ok. Don't give up, be patient and try again. Over time the results will be much more favorable than not applying these techniques.  Sometimes, though, it takes months or even years to work your way through destructive communication scenarios.
 

These do not apply to situations of physical violence. If you find yourself physically threatened, get out and get help.

Finally, these are general approaches to general communications problems.  If you find yourself frequently arguing or avoiding speaking your mind because you are too afraid, seek help from someone qualified to offer it.

Cognitive Approaches: How To Approach Difficult Scenarios:

Purpose: Focus on your purpose and your purpose alone: what are you trying to achieve with the communication? "Be a bulldog": do not let go of the specific idea or issue you are trying to work out with the other person.  If the other person changes the subject, gently steer them back toward the actual issue at hand.  If the person dredges up the past, return the conversation to the present and the topic at hand. If the other person wants to make the discussion personal, stick to the topic at hand and resist the urge to strike back.

De-Escalation: Regardless of the format or method, concentrate on de-escalation.  Tell yourself beforehand and during the conversation that no matter how upset the other person becomes you will not yell or raise your voice.  No matter what insults are hurled your way, refuse to hurl one back.  In short, unless the person is physically attacking you, stick to turning the other cheek.  Most times  the other person will burn through his or her anger fairly quickly if you do not amp up when they do.  Let them rage, and usually once they have it out of their system – if you do not return their rage in kind – you can get back on the subject.

When Hurt, Admit It: All of us, but perhaps especially men, are trained to turn fear and pain into anger. This is a useful survival technique but it usually makes verbal arguments worse, not better.

In my experience, telling someone who has insulted me that "hey, ouch, that hurts" gets them to stop much more quickly than verbally hitting back.  Absorb the hit/insult.

This, however, does not always work. Some people are simply abusive. Others will take your admission as a sign of weakness and take further advantage of you. These people are, however, few and far between.  You need to protect yourself from these people at, perhaps, all costs: change jobs, refuse to see these people, get a mediator, get a lawyer, get a baseball bat....

Channeling Vs Repression:  There is a big difference between learning to control your emotions and simply denying their validity.  In fact, if some frequently pisses you off and you never express that anger somewhere, and you consistently turn the other cheek, you are more likely to blow up at that person. Similarly, you cannot simply suck it up and let other people have their way;  chances are, when you do this you either sneak behind their backs, or stab them in their back, or use sarcasm etc.

Channeling emotion requires two steps: honesty and direction.  First, you must be honest with yourself about your feelings. Own up to them; face them and accept them. If doing this makes you cry, so be it.  Accept that you cry.  Second, find a place to express those emotions but not at the other person.

Talk your problems out with someone you trust.  Don’t plague them with your issues (or they’ll hate you), but have people you can vent to when necessary.

You can also find a place to express emotions alone. For example, we have a kick-boxing bag in our basement.  A counselor friend of mine told me he’d go out into the woods, find a sapling, and beat the living shit out of it.  Go for a long walk or run.  Take a drive alone and scream at the top of your lungs. Get it out.

Say You're Sorry: The other party is probably just as frustrated with him or herself and/or you as you are with him or her.  Once you've owned up to your end of the responsibility, they have less reason to keep harping on your mistakes etc.  This does not mean saying you are sorry will shut them up immediately, but it does mean they will shut up sooner and you can get on toward a solution.

There Are Two Sides To Every Coin: It's ok to be wrong.  It's not ok to not realize it...at first, but be receptive to changing your own behavior as much or more than requiring others to change for you.

Separate Their Feelings From Yours:  This is, for me, the hardest part: not taking the other person's anger at me personally.  However, this is central: when people are angry at themselves they will lash out at you.  You know this is true because we all do it.  I cannot tell you, however, how many times a friend or co-worker or student has, after yelling at me for fifteen minutes, broken down in tears and admitted to how utterly awful they feel about themselves, their lives, what they've done etc. and admitted the anger directed at others was really displaced anger at themselves or the general difficulty of being human.

But so long as you escalate the insults and volume, returning their punches, they will continue to blame you and not feel comfortable admitting their own responsibility and pain.

Be ready to accept that this person may always hate you or never see your point of view.  Your responsibility is to not accept that hate and to love yourself (yes, I know, that's touchy-feely); it is only when you aren't confident that you their hatred or anger undermines your sense of self.

So when they strike you (verbally) say to yourself: "dang, that hurts, but that's them trying to hurt me any way they can and not really a fair thing to say about me."  You don't need to say that out loud to them, just to yourself.

Your Purpose: The Solution:  In the end, your purpose, and the other party's purpose, is to find an equitable solution to whatever the problem is.  Both you and the other party are likely to forget that if you focus on blame or past hurts etc.

Don't Push It:  You or the other person or both may need some time to cool down before you can get back to fixing the problem. That's ok.  Take that time.  Agree to discuss the issue later when you've both cooled down.

In fact, that's a good starting place: tell the other person that you know that what you are about to say may be difficult for them to hear, or it may even make them angry, but emphasize you don't want to fight and that if they feel angry, you are both best off waiting awhile to discuss it further.